24 replies to this topic

[waverunner]

An old couple, a middle-aged couple and a young couple all move in to a new housing development. They're all very religious and so toddle off to see the priest at the next local church get-together. The priest explains that its a very strict church community and before joining all 3 couples have to complete a test which is to refrain from sex completely for 2 weeks. They all agree and arrange to meet in a fortnights time. On the due day the priest asks the husband of the old couple how they got on with the test. "No problem whatsoever," he replies. "Well," says the priest, "Very well done and welcome to my fold." The priest asks the husband of the middle-aged couple the same question. "I have to say the first week was easy," the husband replies. "The second week was really tough going but we persevered and made it." "Excellent," says the priest, "And welcome to my fold." He then asks the husband of the young couple how they got on. "Well," says the husband, "It was going very well until my wife dropped the paint." The priest, confused, says, "Dropped the paint? Sorry I don't understand." "Well," says the husband, "My wife dropped this can of paint you see and when she bent over to pick it up I just couldn't resist the temptation. I had to have her there and then. And I did!" The priest, shocked and saddened says, "Sorry my son but I cannot admit you to my fold. Furthermore this is so serious that I have to say you're completely banned." "Funny that," says the husband, "That's what the Manager of Homebase said too!"

[mal_dun]

My offering

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[TheRockstar]

ditto

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[waverunner]

This is true - I kid you not!

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[NikNoC]

Urgent warning: New Virus There is a new virus: code name is "work". If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anywhere else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

[mal_dun]

and again

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[NikNoC]

Comparing Prison and Work

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison you get to watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens, and closes all doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison you get to visit with your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak with family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some Programs that you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them managers.

[TheRockstar]

3 guys were requesting access to heaven, and St Peter said they were overpopulated at the moment so they only accepted people who had died in a strange or complicated way. #1 said: "Well, I used to live in the 20th floor in a tall building, and I'd suspected for a long time that my wife had an affair. I came home early, found my wife naked in our bed. I knew the b'stard was around, so I searched thru our apartment without finding anything. So I went out to our balcony and then I saw a guy clinging to the edge of the balcony. I got so mad and started bending his fingers open. But he just clinged to the edge even harder, so I got a hammer and crushed his fingers. He fell down into a bush and survived! This fcked me off even more, so I got my refridgerator and dropped it on his head. But then I felt so guilty that I jumped after. So that's why I'm here." "OK, you can go in" said St Peter. "How about you?" #2 said: "Well, I used to live in the 21st floor in a tall building. One day I was out on my balcony and for some reason I slipped on a banana and fell out! But lucky for me, I managed to hold on to the balcony to the floor under, and thought I was safe until some maniac started bending my fingers open. I clinged on harder, but then this idiot started smashing my fingers with a hammer, so I fell down in a bush. I miraculously survived, until a refridgerator came from above and fell on my head. That's why I'm here. "OK", said St. Peter, "You can go in too. How about you then?" #3 said: "And there I was, all alone, naked, inside of a refridgerator..."

[TheRockstar]

a classic, but still makes me smile: A woman has three daughters. All three daughters, she believes, are virgins and all three are getting married so the woman is slightly worried as each heads off to her honeymoon... "Write to me, soon as you can, Darling - I don't ask for details but just let me know if all went allright, ok?", she asks each of her daughters before they step on the plane. A week goes by before she receives the first post-card. On it is written: "Nescafé" (the name of a coffee brand) The woman rushes to her kitchen and blushes as she reads the coffee's slogan; "Good to the last drop" She is happy for her daughter and now awaits news from her other two daughters... Two days later, she receives yet another post-card from another of her daughters. This one reads; "Benson & Hedges" (A cigarette brand)... The woman, remembering her husband smokes that brand, goes through her husband's jacket pockets to find his cigarettes, only to read this brand's slogan; "Extra Long, King Size" The lady blushes again and coughs nervously but she is still happy for her daugther as all seems well with her and her new groom. Three weeks go by before the woman hears from her youngest daughter. The card comes in with just two words spelled out on it; "British Airways" Unable to initially understand just what her daughter meant by this statement, the woman rushes out to find a magazine in which an advertisement for British Airways appear... Their slogan reads; "Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways" The lady faints!

[waverunner]

For the non-techies.

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[NikNoC]

Elephant Joke

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem;
he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor told him that the
muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous
viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for
him.

However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he
were willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an
elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a
while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex
again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse
effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go
try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a
romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the
nicest restaurants in town.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs,
which continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately
sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and
then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her
face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure
if I can fit another bread roll up my ar*e!..."


Also, a slight 'political' statement ...

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[NikNoC]

And finally (I really ought to get on with some work now!) - at least this one's vaguely motoring related ... oh, and if anybody else runs out of this stuff, I've got loads more where these came from!!

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[TheRockstar]

Move along... nothing to see here..

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[mal_dun]

Anyone not ridden this The Beer Scooter This has answered questions I'm sure we have all puzzled over more than once in our lives... How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be >responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[TheRockstar]

*cough* ahem *cough*

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[NikNoC]

Anyone not ridden this

The Beer Scooter

See also

Beer Coat
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.



...


Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk)
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against
us, and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

[minime]

heres another! PART ONE Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" ======================================================= PART TWO: Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying Another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the Edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" =========================================================== PART THREE: Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and Breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head - Fook that Lads. First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

[mal_dun]

Supposed to be true This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Costs Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........................................$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.............................................$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.................................................$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

Edited by mal_dun, 25 April 2003 - 02:52 PM.

[SPLAM]

Two irishmen in a cave, one says to the other it's dark in here init the other replys dunno i can't see.

[Sicey]

A few classics - > > A millionaire threw a party and during it he announces to his > > guests that down in the pool are two great white sharks. "I will > > give anything of mine to the person who dares to swim across that > > pool." > > Amidst a few mutterings, the party continues until there is a > > splash from the pool and all the guests dash over to to see what has > > happened. In the pool is a man, built like a gladiator, and he is > > swimming as hard as he can. > > Sure enough, the predators fins rise out of the water and their jaws > > begin snapping, but this guy just keeps on going. As he nears > > the end, the sharks are on top of him baiting for blood, but he keeps > > just ahead of them. With the roar of the watching crowd urging him > > on, and a final Herculean effort, the man reaches the end and hoists > > himself out of the pool. Gasping for air, he turns to take the > > adulation from those spectating, of his magnificent feat. > > The millionaire grabs the microphone " Sir you are indeed > > brave, a man with the heart of a lion, and I, I am a man of my word. As > > promised you may have anything you desire;my Porsche, my house, my > > wife. Absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever > > seen. So what will it be?' > > > > To which the guy replies, "Well, why don't we start with the > > name of the c*** who pushed me in!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >************************************************************************** > > > *********************** > > > > > An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the > > > doctor asked him how he was feeling. > > > > > > "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen > > > year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do > > > you think about that?" > > > > > > The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me > > > tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He > > > never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of > > > a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of > > > his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and > > > suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised > > > up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. > > > And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. > > > > > > Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." > > > > > > The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" > > > > > > "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else > > > must have shot that bear." > > > > > > "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take aw your crows off." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery, fass AWAY FROM me to the other side of room." Having done that Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass BACK TO me." Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head. "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see... that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex. Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show > off his new flat. > After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong > taking pride of place in the lounge. > "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. > "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. > "How does it work?" > "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with > an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall > screamed, > "For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!!" > > > There are not a lot of mother-in-law, daughter-in-law jokes - possibly > because it is too close to the truth!!! But enjoy this one... > A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to > get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other > female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one > I'm going to marry." The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the > house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then > says, > "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." > She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." > "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" > "I don't like her." > > Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged > with beating your wife to death with a spanner." > A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" > The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to > death with a spanner." > Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing > b*stard!!!" > The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and > said, > "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I > will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you > with contempt! Now what is the problem?" > Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years > I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to a borrow a > f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!" > > A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in > his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he > looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens > about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep > looking in your pocket?" > The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks > good enough, I'll go home."