24 replies to this topic

[Huntsman]

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she dances she makes the band skip. Yo Mama's So Fat....she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Yo Mama's So Fat....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. Yo Mama's So Fat....her driver's license says" Picture continued on the other side." Yo Mama's So Fat....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs. Yo Mama's So Fat....all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama". Yo Mama's So Fat....when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. Yo Mama's So Fat....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo Mama's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. Yo Mama's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side. Yo Mama's So Fat....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!" Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo Mama's So Fat....she's on BOTH sides of the family. Yo Mama's So Fat....she could sell shade. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.. Yo Mama's So Fat....people jog around her for exercise. Yo Mama's So Fat....her blood type is Ragu. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. Yo Mama's So Fat....if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo Mama's So Fat....when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. Yo Mama's So Fat....she can't even jump to a conclusion. Yo Mama's So Fat....she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo Mama's So Fat....her belly button doesn't have fluff, it has sweaters. Yo Mama's So Fat....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of petrol.

[mal_dun]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far ......... A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you.

Edited by mal_dun, 30 April 2003 - 07:36 AM.

[Jez]

(It's true!!) " WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS (New York Times)" Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."

[Jez]

Picture an old, musty saloon in Texas filled with old West and cattle >raisin' memorabilia. At the bar an older rough-and-ready cowhand with a >dirty Stetson, well-worn boots and faded Levi's sits with a glass and a >half-empty bottle of "Red Eye". A beautiful young lady comes in and >sits right beside him. She looks him over and asks, "Are you a real >cowboy?" > >He looks back at her and says, "I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle >an >old horse, round up longhorns, corral doggies, rope and brand >calves, eat dust from moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad >coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, I'm a real cowboy. Are you a real model?" > >"No," she says. "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how >empty my bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next >to me. I bathe wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me >that I could rub with soap. I go to breakfast thinking of pert little >breasts and nice flat tummies that I would love to massage. I spend >the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked mature women. Yes, I'm a >real lesbian." > >An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old cowpoke >and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?" > >He looks at them and says, "I always thought so until an hour ago when >I found out I was a lesbian.

[JimH]

These are all far too long. They need to be short. What's got three legs and lives on a farm? The Macartneys