684 replies to this topic

[starman]

What goes in pink and hard,

and comes out wet and sticky?

 

 

Bubblegum!

[hairy]

I tripped over my wife's bra this morning. It was a booby trap.

 

[hairy]

I went in to a Savile Row tailors and asked the bloke if I could see the cheapest suit in the shop. He came back with a mirror.

 

[Goosenka]

I went in to a Savile Row tailors and asked the bloke if I could see the cheapest suit in the shop. He came back with a mirror.  

[Rudy]

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

[KurtVerbose]

I'm having a sex party. Let me know if you can cum.

[KurtVerbose]

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled 'My Favourite 18 Holes'. Turns out it's about golf.

[KurtVerbose]

Bad news for Japanese car fans - Nissan Main Dealer had died.

[hairy]

Bad news for Japanese car fans - Nissan Main Dealer had died.

 

groan!

[Harry Hornet]

[color=#FF0000;font-weight:bold;]Fantastic News from Social Security In UK concerning Pensions and Benefits[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,153);font-weight:bold;]نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست[/color] [color=rgb(0,0,153);]نقش ديوار و چشم [/color]خيره
[color=rgb(0,0,153);]ما نقش سايه[/color] [color=#000080;font-weight:bold;]دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت [/color]
[color=rgb(0,0,153);font-weight:bold;]نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش[/color] [color=rgb(0,0,153);]ديوار و چشم خيره [/color]ما[color=rgb(0,0,153);] نقش سايه[/color] [color=#000080;font-weight:bold;]دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا [/color]

[color=#000080;font-weight:bold;]نيست نقش[/color]

[color=#FF0000;font-weight:bold;]If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.[/color]

[hairy]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

 

[KurtVerbose]

 

[KurtVerbose]

A friend just got a Prince Albert piercing. He said he was cockahoop...

 

[hairy]

You know what I did before I married??  Anything I wanted to.

 

[Tony H]

Bad news for Japanese car fans - Nissan Main Dealer had died.

 

dont get it

[KurtVerbose]

It was topical.

[Nelly Vx]

Met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning ..... He was wearing a cat flap ....

[deano01]

Met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning ..... He was wearing a cat flap ....

 

Come on Nelly, this has been done before and only one page back.

[Zuber]

One liners/short ones, can't think of any I'm willing to publish... But if you fancy a read:

 

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]FOR EXAMPLE:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]Let me tell you.. she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;font-size:16px;]Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.[/color]

 

[Zuber]

And 1 more (I think the better one)

 

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, Where a Woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the Entrance is a description of how the store operates:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down![/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign Reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking And help With Housework.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the Sign reads:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men On This floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are Impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]PLEASE NOTE:[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]The first floor has wives that love s*x.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Tahoma;font-size:16px;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;]The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited[/color]