684 replies to this topic

[mark_vx]

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

[mark_vx]

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

[mark_vx]

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

[hairy]

If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

[mark_vx]

Groucho Marx -

 

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

 

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

 

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

 

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

 

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

 

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

 

Edited by mark_vx, 24 January 2015 - 03:01 PM.

[Andrew aka Stuwy]

my other half asked if I had ever taken a p*ss in the shower

 

I said, yea a couple of times accidentally

 

She said that's disgusting, and "what do you mean accidentally?"

 

Well, these things happen when your having a sh*t 

[hairy]

As the chauffeur held the car door open for Prince Charles, he said, "Still raining, sir." "Yes," said Charles, "but she can't go on for ever."

[Claws]

What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms!

[mark_vx]

My mate was a necrophiliac.....

 

til' some rotten c*&t split on him

[hairy]

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DD's... It was a ridiculously long name.

[hairy]

Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!

[Bargi]

[Bargi]

[davemate]

A Spanish magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.... uno... dos... then ** he disappeared without a tres...

[hairy]

I was on the Saudi Arabia social network today  ...  CoverYourFacebook.

[davemate]

A gay wizard goes into a bar and dissappears with a po0f

Edited by davemate, 15 February 2015 - 07:01 AM.

[hairy]

I've just been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure. He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

[speedster]

One cracked liner!

[hairy]

Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor. Nobody shall be able to vote in both...

[hairy]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.