684 replies to this topic

[hairy]

One for Harry Hornet...

 

Living in Greece is like being a tampon ... you're in a beautiful place but in the worst period.

[Harry Hornet]

One for Harry Hornet...

 

Living in Greece is like being a tampon ... you're in a beautiful place but in the worst period.

 

sas ef̱charistó̱ ... típota den stamatá ydrav̱liká mou .....

[hairy]

I ran down the platform trying to catch the train thinking 'I'm sure I put the brake on.'

[TheRealVXed]

Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a man.  At first it feels great.  But then you look down and realise that you're gay ::

[hairy]

Centuries ago, when men went to war, it was quite usual for them to make their wives wear chastity belts. While they were away, only a locksmith could remove these belts ... which could explain why 'Smith' is our most common surname.

[hairy]

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

[hairy]

A couple were given an ASBO recently, for having loud sex sessions every night ... the police asked them to come quietly.

[KurtVerbose]

Top one liners from the Fringe.

 

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

 

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

 

"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

 

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

 

"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

 

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

 

"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

 

"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

 

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

 

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child  

Not shortlisted: -

 

"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier

 

"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith

 

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward

 

"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth

 

"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston

 

"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

[oggster]

girl walks into a sex shop an asks to see the vibrators,guy says on the other wall miss,after a few seconds she turns to say i will take the red one please,sorry love came the reply thats the fire extingusher!

[slindborg]

Top one liners from the Fringe.   "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis   "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham   "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green   "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson   "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry   "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane   "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery   "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child   Not shortlisted: -   "I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it." - Jenny Collier   "If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith   "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward   "Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth   "Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston   "Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

And that is why the fringe is sh*t

[hairy]

The man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing, has lost his case.

[hairy]

Some old, some new . . . "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work." – Josie Long "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward." – Tom Stade "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'." – Paddy Lennox "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." – Adam Hills "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." – Gary Delaney "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." – Tim Vine "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..." – Tim Key "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating." – George Ryegold “My mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” – Nish Kumar “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.” – Frank Skinner “The only legitimate reason for smoking an electronic cigarette is if you are a robot that has just had sex with another robot.” – Lloyd Langford “My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.” – Joe Bor “I live every day like it's my last. Devastated.” – Alfie Brown “When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again.” – Maff Brown “If you arrive fashionably late in crocs you're just late.” – Joel Dommett “My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.” – Fin Taylor “The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1’. So I turned up an hour late.” – Simon Feilder “I’d like to reassure you – I'm too tall, not too near.” – James Shakeshaft

[hairy]

Sky has won the rights to broadcast the UK's first origami championship - sadly, it's only available on Paper View.

[hairy]

The papers report that a marksman has been hired to shoot contraceptive darts into wild horses to stop them over-breeding. Surely, he would be better employed in town centres on Friday nights.

[hairy]

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream...now all I want to do is rub it in.

[hairy]

When I was young, my grandma used to rub lard into my grandpa's back, when he was ill... he went down hill fast after that.

[chez]

Walked in a pet shop and asked if they sold wasps, they said no, so I replied, but you've got one in the window!

[hairy]

I went into my local chemist's and asked for some haemorrhoid cream ... the assistant said, "Just there, on the bottom shelf."

[KurtVerbose]

An English man walks into a bar.

 

He's normally with a Scot and an Irish man but they're still at the world cup.

[hairy]

I've just booked a one way flight to Syria. I'm not joining IS. I'm going to walk back and get a free house...