684 replies to this topic

[FLD]

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

 

 

You'd be absoluetly stuffed!

[Wolfstone]

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

    You'd be absoluetly stuffed!

And completely stitched up.

[hairy]

I walked past a shop that was selling microscopes... so I went in for a closer look.

[Alpha Tango]

I went into a binocular shop, I tell you what, they saw me coming.

[hairy]

Carrots may improve your vision, but alcohol will double it.

[Madmitch]

 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

[hairy]

what does a pizza delivery driver and gynaecologist have in common? Both can smell the goods but neither can eat it!

[SteveA]

A friend of mine died after taking an E, I'd warned him before that the Countdown security staff don't f*ck about.

[Alpha Tango]

I've just got done for pinching a roll of turf,  I think my mate grassed me up.

[hairy]

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes up and put them under the Xmas tree. Every time your kid misbehaves, throw one in the fireplace!

[oblomov]

This made me laugh. It was told by Hillary Clinton on that little Irish twat's show although I didn't see it. Standing at Trumps inauguration speech next to ex president Bush junior, after Trump had finished Bush turned to Clinton and said "Some seriously weird sh*t going on there".

[hairy]

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate, he is believed to be Pharoah Rocher.

[Andy_VX]

When I was younger, I felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body. Luckily, being born caused me to get over that

[Gadget2]

[font="Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:11.5pt;color:rgb(20,20,20);background-color:rgb(252,252,255);"]I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency[/font]

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove. 

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary) 

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker. 

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly. 

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it! 

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

 

 

[hairy]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am - scared the sh!t out of me and I almost dropped my impact drill!

[hairy]

As a kid, did you enjoy ringing people's doorbells? And then running away, to leave them bewildered and frustrated? If so, Parcelforce are recruiting in your area.

[Gadget2]

Sorry if you've seen some of these before:..............

 [font="Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:11.5pt;color:rgb(20,20,20);background-color:rgb(252,252,255);"]“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. [/font]

 The first one is on the house.” “I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.” 
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'
” “I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
” “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'” “I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'” “I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.” “
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.” 
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.” “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'
” “I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'” “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”
“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.” 
“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”
“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” 
“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

 

 

 

[KurtVerbose]

Ah, the great Tim Vine.

Edited by KurtVerbose, 27 February 2018 - 02:37 PM.

[SteveA]

The government are really cutting back on disability allowance, a friend of mine is a dwarf and he's really struggling to put food on the table.

[Gadget2]

[color=rgb(20,20,20);font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:15.333333015441895px;background-color:rgb(252,252,255);]Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he[/color]

[color=rgb(20,20,20);font-family:Tahoma, Geneva, sans-serif;font-size:15.333333015441895px;background-color:rgb(252,252,255);]was shot dead by the woman's husband![/color]