One Liners :lol:
Started by
Nelly Vx
, Oct 09 2012 10:02 PM
684 replies to this topic
#542
hairy
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Moonlander
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- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 09 December 2018 - 09:38 AM
I was at the gym last night and found a hole in my trainer just big enough to put my finger in. Anyway, she has complained and I am now banned for life.
#543
Rosssco
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- 4,181 posts
Scary Internerd
- Gender:Male
- Location:Aberdeen
Posted 18 December 2018 - 02:30 PM
Just had a check up at the doctors.
He said "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said "Like bacon or cheeseburgers.?"
He replied "No fatty, don't eat anything..."
#544
hairy
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Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 16 January 2019 - 08:25 PM
To everyone who received a book from me for Xmas: They are due back at the library on Friday.
#545
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 03 February 2019 - 01:20 PM
Waiter, is there a vegan option? Of course, you can **** off!
#546
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
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Posted 05 February 2019 - 10:01 PM
Why do Swedish ships have barcodes painted on their hulls? So they can scandinavian.
#547
Rosssco
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- 4,181 posts
Scary Internerd
- Gender:Male
- Location:Aberdeen
Posted 18 February 2019 - 01:11 PM
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group.
So I just came in my pants..
#548
Gadget2
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- 223 posts
Member
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- Location:Gainsborough
- Interests:Race & Sprint Marshall
Posted 18 February 2019 - 04:19 PM
Just joined the Tesco dating site................
Now I've a bag for life!
#549
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 19 February 2019 - 05:46 PM
Me: Could you give me a wakeup call please? Receptionist: You're an alcoholic piece of sh*t!
#550
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 24 March 2019 - 11:39 AM
I bought a porn DVD yesterday, but all I could see was a dark image of a fat bloke holding his d1ck ... then I realised the TV wasn't turned on.
#551
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 30 March 2019 - 08:04 PM
A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to use her large sheet of plastic covering: "Ta Pauline"!
#552
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 01 April 2019 - 06:40 PM
I'm organising a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm ... if you can't come, let me know.
#553
Strugs
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- 3,008 posts
World's #1 cheese fan
- Gender:Male
- Location:Farnham, Surrey
Posted 02 April 2019 - 08:10 AM
My friend accidently spilled Tippex on her husband's Viagra. He woke up with a huge correction.
#554
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 28 April 2019 - 08:40 AM
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you - you have my Word!
#555
moospeed
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Billy No Mates
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- Location:Wigmore, Kent
Posted 29 April 2019 - 05:30 AM
You need to ACCESS better material than that if you want to EXCEL at the one liners.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you - you have my Word!
#556
SteveA
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- Gender:Male
- Location:North East UK
Posted 01 May 2019 - 10:30 PM
I have to admire the environmental work Michael Jackson did. He was an early indicator of just how damaging plastic can be to the next generation.
#557
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 08 May 2019 - 07:24 PM
My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday - I only said I wanna watch.
#558
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 10 May 2019 - 02:16 PM
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals ... IM LIVID
#559
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 15 May 2019 - 07:19 PM
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "smell this", it smells nice.
#560
hairy
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- 5,945 posts
Moonlander
- Gender:Male
- Location:Bristol
- Interests:cars, beer, nature
Posted 03 June 2019 - 07:56 AM
I got the wife a new Pug puppy yesterday - despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her!
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