684 replies to this topic

[MartinS]

Sold my wifes wheelchair on ebay yesterday. She was really mad and said shed leave me, but I know she'll come crawling back to me!

[hairy]

I ordered some stuff on-line yesterday and used my Donor card instead of my Debit card ... cost me an arm and a leg.

[hairy]

I told myself that I should quit drinking so much ... but why should I listen to a weirdo who talks to himself?

[hairy]

I've just applied for a new job at the Citroen factory ... I had to send in 2 CVs.

[Ormes]

I've just applied for a new job at the Citroen factory ... I had to send in 2 CVs.

 

[Alpha Tango]

I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith, as soon I got him home he made a Bolt for the door.

[coldel]

I bought a used mannequin online, when I turned up to collect it only had a head, body and one arm. I asked for my money back but was told I didn't have a leg to stand on. 

[hairy]

I just got an email from Screwfix: "Please stop pestering us, we are not a dating agency."

[hairy]

I had my satnav nicked from my car last night... I'm lost without it.

[Strugs]

I was going out with a Dutch girl. Had a penchant for inflatable shoes. Sadly, she popped her clogs..

[hairy]

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

[hairy]

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank You" is all I need, not all this "How the fcuk did you get into my house?" business !

[hairy]

FFS, another wooden ball?!!! Why can't the makers of Avocado put different gifts in every now and then?

[hairy]

I just ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon ... I’ll keep you posted on the result.

[hairy]

I'm so old I can remember seeing mud on Range Rovers.

[hairy]

My wife told me that I wasn’t any good in bed. I told her that it was totally unfair to make that judgment in less than a minute.

[Sutol]

Told my wife, "I given it a lot of thought dear and I think I'd like to be cremated". She said, "I'll get your coat".

[hairy]

Last night, after we made love my wife said “wow that took you a long time’. I said “yes, I couldn’t think of anyone.”

[hairy]

I took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and we started playing footsie under the table. I had the steak, she got toed in the hole.

[hairy]

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday...  I'm not sure how I did that - I didn't even know it was her birthday.