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One Liners :lol:

Started by Nelly Vx , Oct 09 2012 10:02 PM

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#641 hairy

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Posted 15 December 2020 - 04:22 PM

My old school was sponsored by IKEA ... assembly usually took ages.


#642 hairy

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Posted 18 December 2020 - 08:21 PM

Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse was a genius ... to know men needed one hand free on the computer.


#643 hairy

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Posted 20 December 2020 - 08:39 PM

My missus wanted something with diamonds for Christmas ... so I've got her a pack of playing cards.


#644 SteveA

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Posted 23 December 2020 - 04:39 PM

My son kept asking if he was allowed to put a lightbulb in his mouth. I was against it at first but when I eventually said yes his little face really lit up.

#645 hairy

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Posted 24 December 2020 - 05:41 PM

I phoned the council today and asked if I could have a skip outside my house ... they said we don't give a fcensored.gifk if you do cartwheels.


#646 hairy

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Posted 25 December 2020 - 06:01 PM

What's the rudest type of elf?   A Gofcensored.gifkyoursElf


#647 hairy

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Posted 01 January 2021 - 10:39 PM

First amazing fact of 2021, today was the hottest day of the year!


#648 hairy

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Posted 05 January 2021 - 06:55 PM

Do your glasses steam up when wearing a face covering?  You could be entitled to condensation!


#649 hairy

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Posted 07 January 2021 - 06:45 PM

I used my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the ice off the windscreen this morning, but it only got 10% off.


#650 SteveA

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Posted 09 January 2021 - 09:35 PM

🤣

#651 hairy

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Posted 10 January 2021 - 05:59 PM

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman, it's very rewarding but quite challenging - it took me ages to get her husband's voice right.


#652 hairy

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Posted 12 January 2021 - 04:54 PM

I will never forget the day I got married ...  I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis!


#653 hairy

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Posted 14 January 2021 - 05:47 PM

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any children ... unfortunately when I got home, they were still there.


Edited by hairy, 14 January 2021 - 05:48 PM.

#654 hairy

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Posted 15 January 2021 - 01:22 PM

Two years ago, my friend came running out shouting “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face ... we never went back to Thailand.


#655 hairy

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Posted 23 January 2021 - 10:16 AM

I just tested negative for the Brazilian Coronavirus strain.......that was a close shave......


#656 hairy

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Posted 25 January 2021 - 05:29 PM

News on shortage of covid vaccine in US - Pfizer chiefs say they "predict a riot"


Edited by hairy, 25 January 2021 - 05:29 PM.

#657 hairy

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Posted 28 January 2021 - 04:58 PM

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner ... so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


#658 hairy

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Posted 30 January 2021 - 05:57 PM

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking? Apparently Slimming World was not the right answer!


#659 hairy

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Posted 20 February 2021 - 10:34 AM

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.


#660 hairy

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Posted 09 March 2021 - 05:32 PM

I sneezed over my toast this morning. I can't believe it's snot butter.


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