684 replies to this topic

[NickA]

Predator ?

You know your Arni films

[KurtVerbose]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

[KurtVerbose]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

[KurtVerbose]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

[KurtVerbose]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

[KurtVerbose]

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[KurtVerbose]

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

[KurtVerbose]

I saw an AA man sobbing uncontrollably and thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

[KurtVerbose]

I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

[KurtVerbose]

The wife was counting all our loose cash when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

[smiley]

I hate it when you're typing something whilst thinking about something else and you end up subconciously typing what you were boobs.

[KurtVerbose]

Police are hunting someone who's stabbed six people in the arse with a knitting needle. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.

[KurtVerbose]

I went to a funeral of a man who died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[KurtVerbose]

...and relax!

[ghand]

...and relax!

Nice one , take a breath

I went to the doctors today and said " doctor I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains "

Well you know the rest

[Claws]

I was at the doctor today funnily enough... "Doctor, I feel like a coconut" "Ah, you're Bounty'

[hairy]

I was clearing out the loft, and found a 1979 copy of the 'Radio Times.' Or the 'Sex Offenders Register,' as we call it now.

[TheRealVXed]

I went to a funeral of a man who died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

note to self, don't drink fizzy drinks at your desk while reading this thread....

What did the leper say to the prostitute?


You can keep the tip

[TheRealVXed]

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner

How does a blonde confuse you?

Comes out and says she's done it.



How do you get 100 dead dogs in a phone box?

Blender

How do you get them out again?

Doritos*

*Korean nationality required

[hairy]

My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and eventually smeared the walls with his own excrement. We're never playing Monopoly with him again.