Apparently Major Ingrams, the 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' cheat, has committed suicide...
ITV have said they will pay for the funeral, but they won't pay for the coffin.
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Thai man walking sideways with erection always going to Bangkok.
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A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up. "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam!"
"I’m not a madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home.
"Well f*** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin’ Steve?"
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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.