14 replies to this topic

[Jez]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.- Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[JimH]

*cough*

[stumpy]

TAXI FOR JEZ.......

[Jez]

[Sicey]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife >stayed home. >He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: >"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife >merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please >allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." >God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. >The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. >He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out >their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove >them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the >cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery >shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and >balanced the check book. >He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. >Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the >laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. >Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them >on the way home. >Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their >homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the >ironing. >At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, >breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. >After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, >bathed the kids, and put them to bed. >At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't >finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he >managed to get through without complaint. >The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, >"Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's >being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." >The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have >learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way >they were. >You'll just have to wait nine months, though. >You got pregnant last night."

[Jez]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", He said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", He said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. I saw this guy trying to arrange a date with a cheetah I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin". My personnal fitness trainer wanted me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: Trying to squeeze myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" Dyslexic man walks into a bra A seal walks into a club... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If youv'e seen Juan youv'e seem Amal" Sorry!!

[Tony]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepy.. (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work?) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life....quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer..) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[Tony]

No offence --- the geography is unimportant. After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle, Norfolk and anywhere in Wales.

[Loti]

I dont ged it Loti.

[CALYPSO_VXT]

well Loti, try it and see Basically the Joke is implying that people from certain areas cannot count unles they use their fingers. So when he had to count from 6 to 10 he had to put he can down between his legs so he could hold his fingers up to continue the count. As the firework was now between his legs it blew his ballz off. Now he cannot have any more children. Ahhh Well I guess that's one ay to ruin a joke.

[Jez]

A FEW PEARLS OF WISDOM Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just "F*** OFF" and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Remember, no one is listening; until you fart. Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Woman with pearl necklace is not necessarily rich If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage or rent payments. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no feet. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

[JimH]

One of my favourites comes from Dad's Army A young Australian soldier reports for his first day's duty in the trenches. His officer asks him, "Did you come here to die?" He replied, "No, I came here yesterday."

[NikNoC]

Apparently Major Ingrams, the 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' cheat, has committed suicide... ITV have said they will pay for the funeral, but they won't pay for the coffin. ************************************** Thai man walking sideways with erection always going to Bangkok. ************************************** A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up. "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam!" "I’m not a madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home. "Well f*** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin’ Steve?" ****************************************** Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

[NikNoC]

And there's more ... An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor."What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man", shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another etc, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."