4 replies to this topic

[Jez]

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your Sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?" "I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg. In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr Jones. "My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures which Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" AMEN!" REPLIED ALL THE WOMEN

[Purebob]

Another joke: A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young Thruster in a Next suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young Thruster select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered the young Thruster. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[NikNoC]

It must be Friday!! Let's see what I've collected during the past week ... how 'bout these ... first, some snappy answers ... Snappy Answer #1 A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol." and finally.............. Snappy Answer #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." ************************************ ... or perhaps these (with apologies to the lady-types amongst us) ... Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a bird ? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. How do you know a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentence with " A man once told me.." How do you fix a woman's watch ? You don't - there is a clock on the oven. If your dog is barking at the back door and the wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. I married miss right. I just didn't know her first name was always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the tv ? " I said " dust!" The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Young son: " Is it true dad , I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country , son. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are beautiful. ******************************************* or this one ... A man walks up to a bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer", he turns to the ostrich and says, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says, "I'll have a small beer, but I'm not paying for it!" The barman pours the beers and says, "That will be £5.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and places the exact amount of money on the bar. The next day the man, the ostrich and cat come in again. The man says, "I'll have a beer," the ostrich says, "I'll have the same," the cat again says," I'll have a small one, but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man pulls out the exact money. This goes on for days, with the three going through the same routine, until one evening, they come in a little later than they normally do. "The usual?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man," We are getting near closing time, so I think I'll have a large scotch." "So will I," says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch," says the cat, "but I'm not paying for it." The barman serves the scotches and says, "That will be £9.60 this time please." The man, as always pulls out the exact amount and places it on the bar. The barman says, "Please excuse my curiosity, but how is it that you always manage to find the exact money when ever you come in." "Well you see," says the man, "Several years ago I found an old lamp in the loft, when I cleaned it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was, that whenever I have to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the correct amount will be there." "That's brilliant," says the barman, "Most people would ask for a million pounds, spend it in a few years and then they would be broke. Your way means that however long you live, you will be able to buy anything at any time." "That's right," says the man, "What ever I want, a Rolls Royce to a pint of milk, I always have the right money." "So what's with the ostrich and the cat?" asks the barman. The man replies, "My second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

[BogBrush]

[rubber]

1st ovary "Did you order some furniture?" 2nd ovary "No why?" 1st ovary "because there's two nuts outside trying to push a bloody organ in" Ian