8089 replies to this topic

[LazyDonkey]

Ok i'm having a bad day but i'm sure someone on here will relate to this. People who identify a range of "special" cells on a worksheet by CHANGING THE FCUKING COLOUR and nothing else...... thus forcing me to write a horrible big VB statement * to identify the wee b*stards. * or just going onto t'internet and stealing someone elses VB

Edited by LazyDonkey, 06 February 2006 - 03:28 PM.

[Tony_M]

Cold calling had foor of them today trying to sell me a mobile.

[JimH]

Middle class cereal boxes. I don't eat much breakfast cereal preferring instead hot porage in winter. As the months drag on it begins to pall a little so I’ll have cereal for a bit. Riveting stuff so far, eh? There are two things I want in my cereal. One is a vast amount of sugar and the other is something free. All New Honey Sugar Cocoa Choco Smacks with a free water pistol is my idea of a good way to start the day. I’m on my own on this one and my other half prefers Bran Flakes or some sort of Muesli. Yeah, alright, you’ve got no added sugar but do you have to be so sodding smug about it? Do you really need to tell me time and time again that this baked cardboard is supposed to be good to you as recommended by someone somewhere on some frankly rather shaky evidence? Do you really need a picture on the box of the cereal in a bowl with half a strawberry on the top. Who is going to get a strawberry, cut it in two and pop it on top of your All Bran? What do you do with the other half? Save it for tomorrow? Perhaps they think that you must be married otherwise you’d be tucking into Cookie Crisp right now. The other thing they advise is that it should be eaten with skimmed milk. Two words. Get fcuked. Not content with knackering brekkers with depressing food and teeth grindingly smug dietary advice they twist the knife by giving you crappy freebies. No water pistol for me. No jumping frog. Not even one of those 3D images which makes it look like Metal Mickey is moving. Oh no. Collect four tokens and get a free book. Terr-bloody-riffic. No really, I could have this super book. Is this all for me? Might be a nice idea but as well as being middle class they are also middle brow so the books you could get are fit for naught but stopping the table leg wobbling. The other day there was a book in the Bran Flakes. A diet book. An all new, new you, you’ll live forever if you follow our advice book. It prattled on some cobblers about not eating rat poison or something. Then I got to the page that said cut down on cheese so I threw it to the dog to chew. Muesli is the worst because there is never a free gift in that. Oh no, they are limited to gobbing on about how their ingredients are organically grown and eased from the ground whilst being read poetry. The bag this morning was going on about “150 acres of land being returned back to wetland”. Clearly whoever wrote this sh*t had never looked up the word “tautology”. Or “sanctimonious”. Who in blue blazes chooses their breakfast on the basis of how many crakes are being saved with every mouthful you take? Do people stand at the shelf taking notes about the relative environmental benefits of each brand of gravel? Knowing the sort of gimp that falls for this cobblers they probably do. Incidentally, if you in America go to a supermarket and go down the cereal aisle. Those dudes know their stuff when it comes to sugar laden cereal.

[TurboTomato]

Middle class cereal boxes.

I don't eat much breakfast cereal preferring instead hot porage in winter. As the months drag on it begins to pall a little so I’ll have cereal for a bit. Riveting stuff so far, eh? There are two things I want in my cereal. One is a vast amount of sugar and the other is something free. All New Honey Sugar Cocoa Choco Smacks with a free water pistol is my idea of a good way to start the day. I’m on my own on this one and my other half prefers Bran Flakes or some sort of Muesli.

Yeah, alright, you’ve got no added sugar but do you have to be so sodding smug about it? Do you really need to tell me time and time again that this baked cardboard is supposed to be good to you as recommended by someone somewhere on some frankly rather shaky evidence? Do you really need a picture on the box of the cereal in a bowl with half a strawberry on the top. Who is going to get a strawberry, cut it in two and pop it on top of your All Bran? What do you do with the other half? Save it for tomorrow? Perhaps they think that you must be married otherwise you’d be tucking into Cookie Crisp right now. The other thing they advise is that it should be eaten with skimmed milk. Two words. Get fcuked.

Not content with knackering brekkers with depressing food and teeth grindingly smug dietary advice they twist the knife by giving you crappy freebies. No water pistol for me. No jumping frog. Not even one of those 3D images which makes it look like Metal Mickey is moving. Oh no. Collect four tokens and get a free book. Terr-bloody-riffic. No really, I could have this super book. Is this all for me? Might be a nice idea but as well as being middle class they are also middle brow so the books you could get are fit for naught but stopping the table leg wobbling.

The other day there was a book in the Bran Flakes. A diet book. An all new, new you, you’ll live forever if you follow our advice book. It prattled on some cobblers about not eating rat poison or something. Then I got to the page that said cut down on cheese so I threw it to the dog to chew.

Muesli is the worst because there is never a free gift in that. Oh no, they are limited to gobbing on about how their ingredients are organically grown and eased from the ground whilst being read poetry. The bag this morning was going on about “150 acres of land being returned back to wetland”. Clearly whoever wrote this sh*t had never looked up the word “tautology”. Or “sanctimonious”. Who in blue blazes chooses their breakfast on the basis of how many crakes are being saved with every mouthful you take? Do people stand at the shelf taking notes about the relative environmental benefits of each brand of gravel? Knowing the sort of gimp that falls for this cobblers they probably do.

Incidentally, if you in America go to a supermarket and go down the cereal aisle. Those dudes know their stuff when it comes to sugar laden cereal.

As usual, top class ranting there Jim

[LazyDonkey]

Good ranting Jim ! It also brings me on neatly to one of my (many rants) The mis-use of crap stats. i.e "People with healthy hearts tend to eat more whole grain food" This may be true. However the implication given by those cerial manufacturers is that eating whole grain food will therefore give you healthy hearts. No it fcuking won't. As you noted Jim the smug b*stards who eat that crap will also make their own shoes, walk / cycle everywhere and basically never have an interesting or exciting day in their life. Thus they are more likely to have a healthy heart than somone who smokes 60 a day and drinks buckie for breckie. Fcuking whole fcuking grains matter not a jot ! Next week I'll be annoyed by a stat along the lines of 86% of women who tried this shampoo said they noticed a difference (small print : we gave LOADS of free sh*t to 80 dizzy cows who have nothing better to do with their time and only 14% were stupid enough to look this gifthorse in the mouth.

[Jase_MK]

It also brings me on neatly to one of my (many rants) The mis-use of crap stats. i.e

The local rag in Milton Keynes, the Citizen, has a banner at teh start of the job ads section every week.

"70% of adults say the Milton Keynes Citizen is their first choice for job ads."

No they f*cking don't!

[Mackem]

The other day there was a book in the Bran Flakes. A diet book. An all new, new you, you’ll live forever if you follow our advice book. It prattled on some cobblers about not eating rat poison or something. Then I got to the page that said cut down on cheese so I threw it to the dog to chew.

Jim, I think you'll find that the book is provided to give you something to read during the hours of quality time you'll be spending on the toilet, as a result of eating 150g of fibre every morning, although personally I'd rather read the back of a shampoo bottle, apparently 70% of people etc etc.

[JimH]

let's cut to the chase, what the advertisers are actually saying is:

Doesn't matter what they are advertising. What they are saying is do this and you'll do something with no additional effort required.

[JimH]

Newsflash....newsflash...newsflash.... 99.8% of people are lazy. I'm one of them.

[easy]

Newsflash....newsflash...newsflash....

99.8% of people are lazy. I'm one of them.

Its 98.9%

[JimH]

See? I couldn't even be arsed to go and check the figure. Bone bloody idle.

[LazyDonkey]

Personally if its a choice between getting something good but having to experience pain and not getting anything but being able to sit on the couch. I'm on the couch Quick wins? Bring em here

[Ash]

let's cut to the chase, what the advertisers are actually saying is:

Doesn't matter what they are advertising. What they are saying is do this and you'll do something with no additional effort required.

this brings me onto one of my favourite rants...

what is fcuking wrong with people? it's a bit harsh and slightly teenage to say "life is pain", but in some ways it's true. unless we are all exceptionally talented all accomplishments come with an amount of physical, emotional, or mental effort. often this'll leave you a bit tired, but, in my experience, with a real sense of acheivement. the british public by and large (pun intended) love to think that they are all capable of giving up smoking, losing weight, getting healthier, getting richer or whatever with no effort at all. i may be incorrect in my assumption, but it's how it comes across to me in the meedja.

and it fcuking sickens me.

Unfortunately to get stinkin' rich now, you just have to sit in a televised house 24/7 for 10 weeks and make that you are indeed the thickest of the thick.
Bob's your uncle, all the chavs will be happy to fork for a magazine showing you in your new car and giving them something to aspire to.

I'm with you Ant, the majority just want a free ride, I have some family members like that and it really grips my sh1t!!!!

[Ash]

Ah yeah, that'll be the ex-sailor coming out in me again!!! A good phrase I think!! Ash

[pippyt]

Ah yeah,
that'll be the ex-sailor coming out in me again!!!

A good phrase I think!!

Ash

Sailor????

[Ash]

Beeeyatch!! You must have heard the saying, "Join the Navy - go in with an asshole, come out with a porthole"!!!! Well, it ain't true, I prefer the "girl in every port", although now we have wrens on board there's girls everywhere...........but you really wouldn't want to!! They all look like this --> Ash